Managing Triggers Without Letting Them Control You

Healing after domestic violence or narcissistic abuse is not a straight path. Even when you feel strong, safe, and free, something as small as a song, a phrase, or a slammed door can send your heart racing and your body back into panic mode.

These are triggers—reminders of past trauma. They’re normal, but they can feel overwhelming. The key isn’t to erase them (you can’t), but to learn how to manage them so they don’t control your life.

What Are Triggers?

Triggers are sensory reminders—sights, sounds, smells, or situations—that activate the brain’s survival response. Your body reacts as if the abuse is happening again, even when you’re safe.

• A tone of voice that sounds like your abuser’s.

• The smell of their cologne.

• A holiday or date tied to painful memories.

• Arguments, even between other people, that remind you of past fights.

Your brain is trying to protect you. But healing means teaching it that not every reminder equals danger.

Step 1: Identify Your Triggers

You can’t manage what you don’t recognize. Start a journal and note:

• What triggered you?

• How did your body react (racing heart, shaking, shutting down)?

• What thoughts or emotions came up?

Awareness is the first step to control.

Step 2: Ground Yourself in

the Present

When a trigger strikes, your body thinks it’s still in the past. Grounding techniques pull you back to the here and now.

• 5-4-3-2-1 Method: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.

• Temperature shift: Hold an ice cube, splash cold water on your face, or step outside into fresh air.

• Affirmation: Tell yourself, “I am safe. This is a memory, not my reality.”

Step 3: Reframe the Trigger

Instead of seeing triggers as setbacks, view them as signals. They’re proof your brain is healing and learning to integrate trauma. Each time you calm yourself, you’re rewiring your nervous system toward peace.

Step 4: Create a Coping

Toolbox

Build a list of strategies you can reach for when triggers appear. Examples:

• A playlist of calming or empowering songs.

• A grounding object (stone, necklace, journal).

• Deep-breathing exercises.

• Calling a trusted friend.

• Writing down what you’re feeling instead of holding it inside.

Step 5: Take Back Your Power

Abusers trained you to feel powerless. Triggers can feel like they’re stealing control again. But every time you recognize a trigger and calm yourself, you’re proving: I am in charge now.

You may not be able to stop triggers from coming, but you can decide how you respond. That is true power.

Final Word

Triggers don’t mean you’re weak—they mean you’re human. They’re scars your nervous system still carries. But scars don’t have to dictate your life.

Each time you manage a trigger, you reclaim a piece of yourself. And with time, the intensity lessens, and peace takes root where fear once lived.

Your past may have shaped you, but it doesn’t own you. You do.